Wake up & smell the coffee

I woke up to the sirens of the ambulance on the street. A couple of minutes later, after the ambulance had passed by, sunshine and silence peeked into that living room again. It was as if they were hiding somewhere and waiting for the sirens to fade. I squinted and looked at the people around in that living room. It looked like a laundry basket where everyone were piled up or strewn all over. Bottles, clothes, cigarette butts, naked people, confetti, balloons, leftover food, cell phones, insanity. A storm must have passed through. As I tried to roll out of the couch I realized I hadn’t slept alone. A stranger was tucked in my arms. She smiled with her eyes closed as I tried to move. I picked my shoes and tiptoed to the door. I didn’t want to turn back and look at the beautiful mess behind but I did. I stood there staring at a night gone by. I put my hand inside the jeans pocket to get my car keys and later realized that I hadn’t driven that night. Instead, I pulled out a bunch of dollar bills. It must have been at least three hundred dollars. I walked down the dark shady stairs not knowing which floor I was in. It seemed like eternity by the time I got to the street and felt the sunshine on my face. It tasted like chocolate. Not the sunshine, but my lips. It must have been her.

As I waited for the train, I leaned back on the bench trying to recollect the night.

10 hours ago.

“I still love you and nothing is going to change that.”

I read those lines again. And again. None of those words made any sense to me anymore. I wanted to crash the laptop in the mirror but I was afraid that I would still see the words in those dilapidated pieces. I wished those words were true but they probably weren’t. I looked at the table where the Wild Honeysuckle candle illuminated the room and spread its fragrance. It was her new favorite candle. Saturday nights were our dinner and movie nights. We had it that way ever since our first date four years ago. My third glass of wine, ever since I read that email once again, was working. I wanted to shut all those doors and throw myself into a bubble and float away into space and never return. Until I felt lost. Until the wine gave me a hangover. Until the reality dawned on me like the summer sun. I walked to the patio and looked down at the street. I saw a group of friends walking towards the bar. They were screaming and hooting as if the world was deaf and they were the only ones who survived a catastrophe. For a moment, I wanted to be with them. I hadn’t hung out with my single friends in a long time. I tried to recollect the last time I had hung out with my friends but the wine had already numbed my thoughts. I gave up.

There burns a candle in the corner of my room which will keep glowing until its wick floats in the molten wax. In an instant, it will paint the room black…. leaving behind an ember that gradually fades in the darkness and a faint smell of the Wild Honeysuckle all over. So are relationships. Friendships. Memories. Dreams. And life. There is a reason why people walk into your life. But the reason they walk out will always be a mystery. Mansi had walked out my life a couple of weeks ago. It felt unreal. It was beginning to feel real.

9 hours ago.

I put my favorite black shirt and blue jeans on and was determined to go out that night. Alone. It felt strange. Didn’t call any of my friends as it didn’t matter that night. The night was young. To have a good time. To continue the search. To embrace the darkness. As I stood on the street waiting for a cab, I saw a girl on the other side of the street with a bunch of flowers in her hand. She seemed to have dressed up for a date. I could tell it from her face that glowed in that dark street. Her flowers were fresh waiting to be shared. Her energy ignited a cell somewhere between my mind and the stupid heart. I smiled at her and she smiled back. A stranger’s smile was a good start to that night. Only if I had known what was coming. A cab stopped in front of me and I looked at her. I signaled to her to take my cab. She gladly ran towards me and got into it. She rolled down the window and pulled out a flower from the bunch and gave it to me. As I got it from her, the cab fled into the night and merged into the insane traffic at that hour. I walked further down to hail another cab and kept staring at the flower. With no regrets, I tossed it into the trashcan and didn’t look back. I’ve been there.

On second thoughts, I decided to walk down to my favorite bar. I hadn’t been there in years. It was where I met Mansi for the first time. Maybe she was there that night. Maybe she was with someone and I wanted to see him. Maybe she was happy and I wanted to see that. I kept reasoning out on why I should go to that bar when there were thousands of other places that I could be that night in Manhattan. I looked at the people on the streets, inside the cabs, at the restaurants. How happy they all looked. How come I hadn’t noticed them all over these years? Every time I had walked down that street, it was with her. She held my hand all the time. Her hair fluttering in the air and tickling my ears made all the walks worthwhile. I don’t remember the day when she stopped holding my hand. The day my heart had started to tickle, effortlessly.

I kept walking like I was lost in the city. I seemed to have forgotten the way to the bar. Or it was just that my mind wanted to go there but my legs were just firmly affixed on a path that I was no more taking. It was as if I was on a path to relive those moments. To trace her down by walking the same path and by going to those same places again. I wasn’t sure if I was going to end up with her again, but at least this search for her would lead me to my own misery or a closure if there will ever be one. The night was young in that bustling city, but I felt the darkness engulfing me gradually. I was beginning to feel vulnerable.

8 hours ago.

I sat by the bar scanning at the people around. Why does this world seem like such a happy place to live in? Why do I feel like I don’t belong in a happy place? I searched for her. She wasn’t there that night. Maybe it wasn’t her scene anymore. Maybe she didn’t want to trace back to a life that she had lived. A relationship that we had started. A life we spent together. Felt like a lifetime. I looked at the dance floor that was filling in. I was there once. With her that night. We danced that night away and she fell in my arms as if we were destined to start off a new chapter in life. A chapter that got me back here. For a closure, if not for a new one. I pulled out my mobile and stared at it. I thought I had received a text.

“It was my phone,” someone said as I sheepishly looked at her. “Sorry, I’m a little tipsy and I thought I was hallucinating already,” I said. She smiled and continued to watch the people on the dance floor. After a few minutes of silence that ensued, I looked at her again. Voluptuous. Attractive. Sophisticated. Alcohol and strangers. How they deceive you effortlessly. I placed my empty glass at the bar and walked into the dancing crowd. I had never danced alone before but that night I mustered the courage to be alone. Again. I shut my thoughts and got into that moment. My world turned dark. I saw a huge mirror in front of me. I was alone. The music was loud. My thoughts were astray. I danced in the darkness. A million stars sprouted out of the mirror falling on to the dance floor. A dark cloud gathered above my head as I continued to dance. It burst into flames spreading the gold dust all over. It did no good to the darkness. All of a sudden the stars disappeared and the music stopped. I continued to dance listening to my own heartbeat and footsteps. I was beginning to fade into darkness. A few moments later, I was jolted out of my trance by a familiar smell – Mansi’s perfume. I opened my eyes to see a packed dance floor and the woman I saw by the bar. She was grinding her body against me waiting for me to hold her. I promptly did. We danced like we had known each other for a long time. We never spoke a word but danced for a few minutes. I would have asked her if I could buy her a drink but I kept dancing because I knew she was going to be my intoxication that night. The space between us got shorter and the grinding turned into dirty dancing. Before I could make my next move there was another couple who started grinding with us. As the space between the four of us got shorter, the night was getting longer.

7 hours ago.

“Vodka or Jack?” she asked as I sat on her bed.

“Vodka,” I said and looked around. I wasn’t sure where I was but she seemed to be living in a very upscale apartment. At that hour, it didn’t matter if I was Uptown or Downtown but all I knew was that I was going Uptown and she was going Downtown on that bed.

“What’s your name?” I asked as she was making a drink.

“How does that matter?”

“Right!”

“We have about an hour and I want you to be gone after that,” she said as she walked over to me.

I didn’t respond. We began to drink again and by then I had lost count of the number of drinks I had had that night. I smiled for no reason.

“What is that smile for?” she asked.

“No reason. But yeah, smile is the next best thing you can do with the lips,” I said. For a moment, my numbing memory cells had a flash of Mansi’s kiss. She always wanted the kiss to be perfect. She made sure our breaths were fresh and her lips had the right moisture and sometimes flavored for that perfect kiss. She was good and that is why it lasted longer even after she had left. Now she is gone forever. Taking away my real smile and a perfect kiss. Before I could shut my memories of Mansi’s kisses, I was there kissing this stranger with our alcohol breaths and her red lipstick smudging all over my mouth.

As our skins touched further, it felt like we were on fire and I couldn’t stop imagining Mansi on that bed. As a dark cloud gathered over my head I felt a sense of resentment and it gradually turned into anger.

“It hurts,” she screamed.

“Yes it does,” I said and didn’t let the stranger go off my hold. The dark clouds burst again spilling the gold dust all over. We lay there side-by-side staring at the ceiling. I wasn’t crying but tears rolled down my eyes and my head hurt as if a huge rock was placed over it.

“That was the best,” she moaned.

I lay there like I was dead within and was fading into the darkness.

“You have to leave now,” she said in an authoritative tone. I didn’t want to look at her face. I gulped down the vodka and put my clothes on.

“Don’t forget the money on the kitchen counter,” she said as I was walking to the door.

I turned around and saw the woman on the bed. She must have been 20 years older to me. My face drained but I stopped for a moment, walked over to the kitchen counter and picked up the cash. It was the first time someone had paid me for sex. It didn’t feel strange. The alcohol helped. I tucked the money into my pocket and walked down the stairs. I felt weak on my knees and I was hungry. I sat on the stairs to catch my breath for a bit.

“I haven’t seen you around here, have I?” I heard a voice. My head was too heavy to look up. I just waited for that person to step down beside me.

“I’m visiting a friend,” I said and looked at the guy who sat next to me.

“Visiting at this hour explains it,” he said.

I didn’t respond. I just wanted a few minutes before I could dart across the street and grab something to eat.

“So, how much do you charge?” he asked.

I laughed but didn’t respond. I pulled out the dollars from my pocket and began to count. I couldn’t count. Unusual for a banker, but the alcohol does make you a pauper.

“Looks like it is about 300 to 400 dollars,” he said.

I did not respond. I awkwardly tucked the money back into my pocket and was ready to leave.

“I will pay you 500,” he said.

I did not stop. I stumbled down the steps and walked out of the door. The doorman smiled at me as he opened the door for me. I knew I was in Uptown. I wanted to rest for some more time. I walked a few feet away and sat on a bench on the street. It was dark and lonely. It took a minute to realize I wasn’t alone after all.

6 hours ago.

There was a homeless man beside the bench with a cart.

“Long night it seems,” the homeless man said.

I did not make face contact with him, instead continued to stare into the darkness beside my feet.

“Do you have a cigarette?” he asked.

I did not respond.

“I’m not asking for your money,” he said.

I wanted to leave that place but I couldn’t as I was buzzed. The alcohol was keeping me warm that chilly night.

There was silence for a while and I didn’t know if that homeless man was still around or had crawled into the darkness. Mansi always gave money to the homeless people. She had a piggy bank at her apartment where she would save all the pennies and give it away later when she walked down the streets.

“My girlfriend left me. I wandered about and then ended up at this woman’s house that paid for the sex. Can this night get any better?” I blurted. I just wanted to talk that night. Be it to myself, to a stranger at a bar or to a homeless man. I just wanted to rant.

“My wife left me too. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up in the streets if not for my drinking and physical abuse of my wife,” he said.

I looked up to see him. An old bearded man in his late fifties was staring at me. It jolted me from my drunken state momentarily but I wanted that conversation to go on.

“Son, your wounds are still so fresh and open. It is ok to go about doing everything you can to find your closure and get over her, but in the process don’t lose yourself. The person that you are and were matters when you come out of this phase.”

I wasn’t sure if his words were making any sense, but I knew I just had to remember this when I wake up.

“When you wake up in the morning, feel the sunshine, not the darkness that followed you to your bed,” he said.

I remained silent listening to this stranger. Every word spoken was beginning to make sense, almost. I stood up to leave.

“Take care son,” he said.

I stepped back and pulled out a dollar bill. It must have been a twenty dollar or a hundred dollar but I didn’t care. It was from that woman and I didn’t need that money anyway. I gave it to him and walked towards the light at the end of the street leaving behind a smiling man in the darkness. I thought he was better than my therapist and psychic.

5 hours ago.

I was in a cab on my way home sharing it with another girl who had to get off midway. I almost fell asleep for a few minutes.

Suddenly I woke up to, “Ooooh! I like that hickey!”

I saw the girl beside me who probably was 5 or 8 years younger to me. I wasn’t sure if she was on the phone or if she was talking to me.

She pointed at my neck and laughed. I immediately tried to look at the driver’s rear view mirror but couldn’t. I ran my fingers over my neck trying to feel it. It hurt a bit but I didn’t know that the woman had given me a hickey.

I remained silent.

“Wild night I see!” she said.

“Glad it is almost over,” I said.

“Well, not if you don’t want it to be. I’m heading to an after party at a friend’s friend. Wanna join?”

“Will have to pass. It has been a long night,” I said and looked out the cab. There were still so many people out there on the streets at 3 AM. It was as if all the rats were out and about in the town when the cats had gone to sleep.

The cab drove past Mansi’s favorite Mexican restaurant in the city. I was hungry and couldn’t wait to get home to eat.

4 hours ago.

The girl from the cab and I were by a Kebab cart biting our juicy kebabs. After our quick bite, I followed her like a loyal dog not knowing where I was going or what I was going to get into. We walked into a tiny door by a dark alley and climbed up the shady stairs. As we stood outside a huge door, the girl beside me texted someone. The door opened to a wide living room full of people, alcohol and smoke. The air smelled different in there. I walked to the tiny patio to get some fresh air.

Exhaustion dragged me down to the floor and I sat down stretching my legs. She stepped out with two drinks in her hand.

“I’m not sure if I want to drink anymore,” I said before she could offer it to me. She thrust the glass in my hand and sat beside me.

“I’m Maya,” she said.

“How does it matter?” I asked.

“If you get lost in this crowd, you need to find your way out and I’m the only one who can help you. Nobody here fuckin cares who you are. So!”

I sipped my drink and it tasted undesirable. Like my pregnant mind at that hour. The dark sky was beginning to turn gray and in an hour or two it will turn into a vermillion canopy chasing away all those rats back into their holes. And that night, I was one of them.

“Droopy face!” she said.

“Is it that obvious?” I asked.

She nodded as she pulled out an odd-looking cigarette out of her pocket and lit it.

As I was about to rant again about Mansi, “I’m not interested in your problems in life,” she said before I could utter a word.

I remained silent. “The house rules are that no one talks about problems in life, smokes legal shit, or drinks just one glass. So there you have it!”

She offered me the cigarette.

“I’ve never smoked this stuff, “ I said as I inhaled it like an experienced smoker.

She remained silent and let me react to the smoke out of my mouth and nose.

“This is some good shit,” I said and she laughed. She moved closer and nibbled my ear with her lips.

“Are we abiding by the house rules?” I asked.

“Clothes are optional in this house. Give it about an hour!” she said and leaned back.

The smoke was gradually getting to me and I was losing control of myself.

I leaned back and looked at the gray sky. I saw my gold fish float in the air. He looked bigger than how he used to be in my fish bowl. Maybe he had gotten drunk that night like me. Maybe he was lost like me. I waved at him. He didn’t recognize me. Maybe I looked insignificant from up above. Just like how I must seem insignificant to Mansi. After a couple of minutes, I saw the sky filled with floating lanterns. They lit up the sky like the morning sun. I watched them pass by. What happened to those dark clouds that burst into gold dust? I saw one lantern burn after the other. Ashes fell all over my face. I felt dark. I felt dirty. I felt numb.

“Are you ok?” she whispered in my ears.

I stared into her eyes.

“Mansi,” I said.

“Maya,” she said and kissed me. We kissed for a long time. The ashes fell all over and the ember that fell on us ignited our bodies. I didn’t remember what happened after that.

I stepped out of the train and walked towards my apartment. Beside the door, on the bench, I saw a girl sitting with a bunch of wilting flowers. I remembered her from last night. I remembered the flower that she had given which I tossed into the trash can. I sat beside her and leaned back. She looked up at me and turned away to look at those flowers that she was holding close to her. Tears rolled down her cheeks and I wasn’t ready for it. My mind was numb and finally had a heart that seemed more real and less vulnerable. I didn’t care for her tears. I sat there in silence.

I started to droop like those flowers and decided to go up to my apartment. As I stood by the door, I looked back at her. I pulled out the crumpled dollar bills from my pocket and said, “Do you want to go spend it?”

She looked at me like I was a psycho.

“Hey, I don’t need this money but I did earn it,” I said and winked at her.

1 hour later

We were at a diner getting breakfast. We had a long day ahead to spend it all. Two strangers. After a strange night. Heading out on a strange day. Before we fade into darkness.

The End.